


rewind

by oceandawn



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24411424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceandawn/pseuds/oceandawn
Summary: ben brings up their first kiss. callum soothes his doubts.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 12
Kudos: 120





	rewind

**Author's Note:**

> God. this is a very ooc fluffy mess but i kinda love it so. here!!! Thank you for sending me this prompt! I hope you like what i did with it
> 
> tumblr prompt: I would love to see callum and ben talking about their first kiss/time? 🥺

The sunset's pretty, annoyingly so. How can something be so perfect, so unique each time when it's the  _ same thing  _ every time.

And even now, laying back against the front window of his car, looking towards interlocked hands, the light framing them like it's something holy, to be treasured — it's something he wouldn't change.

Ben does treasure it, a lot. Granted, it's taken time, more than most would, be he knows now that Callum is here, with him, moving his thumb over his knuckles and looking out to the same phenomena. 

He's been quiet for a while, they both have. Sometimes they don't need to say it, how much they love each other, how much they need each other far beyond any library and its expanse of knowledge could possibly decipher.

Maybe that's why Ben loves it, how impossible it is, how they weren't meant to be the first few moments they met. 

But sitting here, with the phenomena that happens over and over again, it's seen every single event happen between them. Every fight, every declaration, every quiet moment like this — the sun is its own library of memories, a catalyst to say  _ hey, remember that  _ because it's constant, always there.

Callum's always here, too. In fact, Ben thinks he always has. A permanent, lingering firefly somewhere in the hollow of his chest.

Ever since that first handshake, the introduction, Callum's been in his head. And then their first kiss, then another, and more into the night where he didn't really know what was happening, but it was like clockwork to keep going.

Ben flexes his fingers, breaks them from Callum's grip, but Callum lingers, their palms still together, until Ben curls them back in again. A perfect fit, always.

"Hey," Ben's voice is a little rough from not speaking, but Callum is practically right next to him. "Do you ever think about it?"

Callum hums, turns to Ben with an inquisitive look.

"How we met," Ben searches over his face, how gentle the sun paints a warm glow over his skin, the delicate shine in his eyes. "Do you think about it?"

He didn't expect it, and for a moment, Callum looks towards their hands, sighs, then settles his head back to where it was before.

"I'm… not sure," Callum smoothes his thumb over the back of Ben's knuckles again. "Now that you say it, though, I think I did."

"Not sure?"

"Well, I haven't really thought about what happened with us back then. I was still confused, I tried to ignore it and then — well then I couldn't anymore."

"And then you kissed me in a park after you said you'd—"

_ "Alright!"  _ Callum laughs, nudging him. It sparks a smile for Ben. "Yeah, I guess I did."

Ben huffs, "You  _ guess?" _

"Stop it!" Callum nudges him again, and Ben watches him gain that smile that pushes his cheeks up, eyes smiling.

He's so beautiful,  _ god he's so beautiful. _

"Besides! It's not like  _ I'm  _ the one that started it," he turns to Ben once more, smile still curving his lips, denim jacket open to the air.

And it's true, Ben was the one to grab hold, pull him in — but Callum was the one to pull him up, out the dark to where they're now constantly bathed in the sunlight of their own love.

"Do you regret it?" asks Ben, a reflex more than anything.

Even if Callum speaks it like a good morning, whispered between them in private moments, there's always doubt, too. It's almost a close relative to loving itself, the doubt that it's even real.

Callum loses the smile, and Ben almost wishes he could reach out and catch it, put it back. He can't take back almost twenty years of insecurities no matter how much time he's had in the arms of someone better for him.

"Why… why would you think I would?" 

Of course. Of course Callum would ask why instead of just jumping to conclusions. He wouldn't be the guy to say;  _ well does that mean you wish we hadn't?  _ He'd be the guy to fight for it, and he is, squeezing Ben's hand to let him know they're not leaving until they talk this through.

"Just — I wonder what would've happened to us. Like, would you have found someone else," Ben turns away, not being able to look Callum in the eye when there's a fog of sadness to the blue.

"But why?"

"Curiosity?" 

_ Not feeling good enough? _

_ Could you have found better? _

"Ben," Callum looks back to the horizon. "The reason why I don't look back is because I'd rather look forward. Yeah, they're memories, some good and some bad but I — why would I focus on them when I have this?"

He brings their hands up so Ben can see them, moves their closed hands to his lips so he can kiss the knuckles. 

"See?" Callum looks back at their hands, then to Ben again.

Ben shrugs, "What?"

"This, now — what we have. Why get lost in the fog of what could've been, when all I've ever wanted is here," he nuzzles his cheek against their connected hands, sighs. His voice mellows out, almost whispering as he holds their hands against his skin. "You. You're right here, and I meant what I said."

It takes a moment, but Ben realises he's just been staring, an overwhelming bubbling in his chest, unspeakable emotions on the tip of his tongue that are so much easier for Callum to say.

And Ben already knows, already repeats it like he rewinds one of his old tapes back home.

"I said I'll be anywhere that you are," Callum sits up, keeps their hands together as he leans over towards Ben. "And that means anywhere, here and now," he presses their hands towards his chest, the wild thump of Callum's heart its own mythical backdrop.  _ "Anywhere _ — even if we didn't kiss for that first time back then, if that night never happened."

Ben can't believe it, speechless beyond words, and there's irony in that. He just keeps flicking from one eye to the other, and his heart practically melts, soothes the fire in his veins when Callum breaks the hold of their hands, and instead, holds the curve of his jaw.

"I think I'd try and find you either way," Callum admires his face, the freckles that fall over his nose so faint but growing during the summer months. "You might not believe it, but that's fine. I know you won't."

Ben laughs, and it pulls on Callum's heart strings. But still, he can't find the words, so he allows Callum to do it.

He's always been better with words, anyway.

"You sure about that?" asks Ben, finally. "Wasting your time on me?"

Callum smiles, shakes his head.

"If it's like you said, Ben, where after that night I did regret it, I would've spent the entire time forgetting what I never had to begin with."

Ben reaches his hand up, places it on Callum's chest, "And what's that?"

"That I never had someone like you."

It's like a shockwave, how the words he never thought were even possible are given to him so freely. Callum, the guy everyone looks forward to seeing around the square as if he was his own individual sunrise loves  _ Ben,  _ wants someone like  _ Ben,  _ in every possible scenario.

_ "What?"  _ his voice is two parts broken, one part small. He doesn't have to act so big, so scary and untouchable around someone he  _ wants  _ close,  _ needs  _ close.

"I don't think you realise sometimes how happy you make me, the family I've found with you —  _ god,  _ Ben. I found  _ myself  _ with you,  _ because  _ of you," Callum tries to emphasise it by moving his thumb along with his words. Callum's heart aches so much, wanting to tell him everything he's ever felt since that first night.

Ben closes his eyes, moves into Callum's hand, kisses his palm so soft and delicate he doesn't think he actually does it. So he kisses that palm again, brings his other hand up to hold it, fingers interlocking again as he stares back up towards Callum's ever adoring eyes.

"Yeah I was scared, I hated myself through a lot of it, thinking I'd wasted half my life trying to be a version of me that other people wanted," and Callum looks up, around, looks at the world like it means nothing when he already  _ has  _ his world right here. "But then you came along, and yeah, you're a prat at the worst of times, but that's part of  _ you,  _ and  _ you,  _ Ben Mitchell, are the person I fell in love with."

Ben sniffs, feels his eyes well up,  _ "God, Callum,"  _ and he laughs, looking away before looking back, keeping his eyes away from a direct line of sight. He can't take it. "What are you doing, writing fucking wedding vows to me?"

They both laugh, but Callum still has that beaming smile on his face when they stop.

"You found me, Ben," Callum leans his forehead against his, feels Ben's deep, shaky sigh against his lips. "You found  _ me." _

And it's so easy, so easy to kiss him, so easy to wrap his arms around Callum and forget everything bad that's ever happened. It's their own bubble, their own timeline.

Even when they break, Callum looks at him and from that alone, the way he holds Ben's gaze speaks wonders, speaks  _ truth. _

Ben almost wants to whisper, to make Callum promise —  _ promise me anywhere. _

Even after that first kiss, uncertainty, passion and hope, their path foggy before them, it's all clear now. It's clear they love each other, and even when they do look back, the fog has cleared, explaining why they've fallen hand in hand so easily.

They can both sit there and rewind, but they'll always come back to now, to make more memories to look back on.

And just like the sunset, Ben will watch in awe, watching his life unfold with Callum in every turn of the page in their story.

Because the sun always rises the next day. Always and anywhere. Callum's not going anywhere if it's not with Ben. 

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: oceandawning  
> twitter: oceandawns


End file.
